Repression

this entire journey has been real tough. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with grief a week after the funeral, the silence that greets you in the living room or in her room is deafening. the absence of the sound of her wedding ring tapping agains the glass table or on the staircase railings as she climbs up the stairs, or the shuffling of her feet in her slippers as she gets around the house. no more “have you eaten your dinner yet?” “take things easy, surrender everything to god.” and the many other reminders.

the emptiness at home was but a faint echo of the dullness and emptiness in my heart.

it overwhelmed me to the point that i had half the mind to withdraw from school. i had no room in my heart and spirit to sit in lectures, let alone handle the immense amount of workload and pressures faced in school – group work where group mates seemed to rely on me for all the ideas; oral presentations and poster looming ahead; the ridiculous amounts of chemical analytical principles, dosage form design theories and statistical concepts to swallow – they were literately the last thing on my mind. and ironically, the more immediate and pressing issues to be handled. and with each passing day of that week, my heart ached more and more. it manifested as a deep sunken pain on my chest and my back, and with each passing day, my pain grew worse.

that thursday night, my mom called my bluff, and the walls came tumbling. “you’re feeling real horrible now cause you can’t stand her absence at home right?” tears flowed, and my heart simply broke. my dad sort of scolded me that night. he said that i have to be stronger than this. my parents said its either i leave school for good or carry on with school. that was the night the lord sort of gave me my wake up call – i have to press on an finish what i started.

but yet, it wasnt easy, it was an uphill battle. i had alot to study and do. it was relentless and yet my focus wasn’t there at all times. physically, mentally and emotionally, i was fatigued. and it didnt help that i had some classmates whom in trying to encourage me, put me down instead (sigh, clearly, the lesson on empathetic communication has failed from SP1203). and when exams drew closer, as the tensions mounted, it became even harder.

i was fighting a two way battle. one against my own exam stress and expectations and yet the other was the emotions of grief i had to face as i studied. there were so many times, as i studied, that my mind would easily drift back to memories of my time with my grandma or of how things would be like had my grandma still been around. my focus was all over the place, things werent easy. there were a couple of times that i teared or broke down even in the midst of studying. the silence at home as i studied was yet again amplified by the battles in my heart. but yet again i knew that the exams were repressing how i truly am feeling. and when i finished my papers on the 25th, the usual post exam highs were much lower than usual and the journey home after a movie and night out with my friends was exceptionally difficult. i found myself dragging my feet returning home. the academic load repressed my emotions during the school term and now, i have got to be careful not to repress this grief with games, tv shows and what not; but to take time each day to reflect on everything and put it at the foot of the cross.

i hope to be able to document every single memory of the time spent with my grandma.

yet in all of this, had i never known the lord – had i never known his love, his grace and his purposes in my life – i would have easily just given up on life. thank you lord for sustaining me.

Hebrews12:27

it’s been a while since i came here, it’s been a while since i expressed myself in words. I guess one good thing about going through SP1203 is that i’ve gained some comfort in writing again. This is going to be one of my many posts again. I’ve considered wiping this blog clean, or even starting a blog afresh, or maybe even locking the old posts up – hiding it all from the eyes of the world.

But, i’ve changed my mind.

there is nothing to be ashamed about, my past just shows how i’ve been transformed by the grace of God (both in the way i write and in the way i’ve lived. haha). i guess i have a lot to say. i need a place to reflect or journal my life in the recent past few weeks or months.

all i can say is hebrews12:27

The lord gave me a vision that fateful day on the ambulance. i guess he was telling me what he was going to do in this season of my life. I just need that heart of obedience and strength to stomach and obediently walk through all of it.

 

a friend of mine mentioned that my recent tweets were very sad and etc. well, i know this is a season of me learning to rely on the heavenly father even as i adjust and that he is indeed there for me. even as i move in school and even as i take my many steps of faith.

phillipians4:13

Well. I went home last night feeling different. I woke up this morning feeling a greater difference than before. I woke up feeling the stamp of approval and the mark that I am a son of god. I used to know that I am his son. But this time, it’s different. It’s like when I entered into the pool yesterday immersed and out it’s like an official scream out to god saying “Lord, I know and embrace that I’m your beloved son.” and coming out
feeling the difference (and real wet) after that declaration. But even during worship before my turn to be baptised, I heard the lord telling me, ” my son, I am pleased.” and tears welled up in my eyes. What more do I want except to hear my heavenly father happy and approving of me? Thank you lord for creating this chance and special day with you.

I just thank god for today and this commitment I’m stepping into. This is the day that the lord has made.

Adjustment

It’s all progressive, progressive training and now more importantly, progressive expectations adjustment.

The heart is a tricky thing. But it’s something you can influence with a conscious decision. It’s in the end up to you to allow things in and out from there. It’s up to you to welcome certain truths and embraces. Your heart is just so powerful. You have just yet to realise it.

Take Backs From Sri Lanka

Firstly, i just want to thank God for opening this door for me to go for the trip and even his provision for the trip as well. I almost forgot this point and the journey i had to take in prayer and faith for this trip and thank god for the reminder he gave me on the matter through Daniel’s sharing on the bus yesterday. I initially almost couldn’t come for the trip as well as my father was really concerned for my safety over in Sri Lanka. But thank God that as i prayed over the matter, he touched my father’s heart to release me in faith for the trip as well. I would also want to thank God for his provision financially. Especially since that my mother pledged to give me half of the funds that i would need for the trip. Though she gave me half of the sum, eventually God provided $714 through donations. These donations of course did not include my mom’s pledge of $400. So thank God for his abundant provision!

Serving:

Serving as a photographer was something that i have never done before. In fact it’s been just over a year since i picked up this new hobby of mine. However, i had to admit sometimes i felt kinda inadequate in helping the team out as they worked while i was taking pictures of the events that were unfolding and even as they played and interacted with the children, i was at the sidelines taking photos of the whole process. I hope however that even though i wasn’t able to interact much that the photos i took would be able to tell the story of how much we were able to bless and interact with the people of Sri Lanka.  And indeed even behind the lens, as i was photographing the entire journey, it was touching to capture the joy on the children’s faces as they played, the hunger on both the children and the people as we prayed and ministered to them. i thank god for teammates who would encourage me and remind me to put down the camera to join them in the working process. That it was the process of putting in some elbow grease that opened the door for me to see what God wants me to learn from the team mates, the locals and as well as the working process. I would also like to thank God for Pastor Lawrence for the guidance and direction in terms of capturing the moment of teamwork and the moment. Those few short words of guidance were all that i needed to constantly remind me in the direction i should be heading while i was photographing the whole journey.

I would also like to thank God that even though i wasn’t able to interact much with the people, i’m grateful that i was still able to participate by praying for the children and the people during the prayer and ministry sessions. That even as i simply just prayed, i thank god that he simply just used me in prayer that as i prayed, he moved in the hearts of the people i prayed for. that as i prayed he used me to bless and speak to the heart of the person i was praying for. in spite of any language barrier that may be. it was just amazing to see how his presence was truly with the entire team through out the entire journey. that he honoured our little steps of faith to go out and bless his people. I thank him that even through these short sessions of prayers that i learnt so much of having this simple child like faith, that i should just willingly offer what little i have to the lord as well as the intense hunger of receiving and yearning for a touch from god in my life.

I was honored and humbled by the house visitation process when we visited the homes of the rubber plantation workers. At first i thought it was a rather normal event to visit someone at their homes and pray and encourage them. That it was something that even the cell leaders and Pastors might do back at home. But it was when it was shared that these workers normally shun and not welcome visitors, especially foreigners, that it struck me. on how hungry the local christians are and the how privileged we were to be able to be used by God to bless them in their homes. What also struck me was that at one of these house where we visited that the Pastors bringing us around mentioned that this house was the probably one of the best houses in the area. That indeed even amongst the poor that God is prospering and blessing them so that they might be able to bless their community around them.

God also showed me a picture while i was praying for two children at Pastor Kumaran’s church. He showed me a picture of a man who squatted down to receive and embrace the two children tightly in his arms. and he told me that that’s how much he loved them. i was truly blessed by this image and as i prayed for people over the next few days, god began to show me that it wasn’t just those two children that i was praying for but it is everyone. that in god’s eyes, we are his little children. that he desires so much to just hug us and embrace us all the time. i thank god for using this image to show his love to me and the people around me.

I would also want to thank god for opening the eyes to see the attitude we should have in prayer and waiting for his answers in faith. That indeed the hardest part sometimes would be when God tells us to wait or no when we ask him for something. it brings me back to the time at the beach slums when this old man approached me and told me that he needed prayer for his shoulder. he told me that his shoulders hurt and he couldn’t even raise his left arm up at all. I prayed and after that, through what i understood of what he was telling me he said that the pain had already left him and that he used his right hand to help lift his left arm up. At that moment when that happened, i was amazed. I thought God had miraculously healed him. However, when we were just about to leave the beach slums, i met the same old man again and wanted to chat with him again. This time he again showed me that he couldn’t raise his arm up. But what God wanted me to see was his attitude towards it. He told me that though he wasn’t healed today, he knows that God is Good, that God will heal him one day. And he related all these to me with a huge smile on his face. That indeed i should be joyful and wait for God’s appropriate timing and have the simple faith in waiting for his answer to my prayers. That eventually, be it a yes or a no to my request, it should always be with a heart of gladness and to know with conviction that God is indeed good and wants the best for me.

Testimony:

I also would like to thank God for granting me the strength to share my testimony. The truth is that not many people do know of the journey i walked with god while i was in army. When i was still under Evan, the cell group knew that i was struggling with something but only Evan and Kelvin knew the full extent of what i was going through. It was a journey that truly impacted my life greatly. A journey that i felt self conscious about, personal and i didn’t dare to share it with many people. However, before we left Singapore when i received the email to prepare my testimony, i did. But when it came to volunteering to share our testimonies, i shy ed away from stepping up to share. I didn’t know how to, despite preparing a script. However as time passed during our trip, it came to a point whereby many people begun to step up to share their testimonies. That encouraged me greatly to open up and share. Finally, on the morning that we were supposed to visit the drug rehabilitation center, i decided to put my fears aside to share my story. Especially so since i felt that my story would be able to speak to the lives of the people there. In fact even while we were making our way down to the center and while we were cleaning up the place in the morning, my mind was constantly thinking of the sharing session in the afternoon. i just felt inadequate and feared that i wouldn’t be able to testify and tell my story. i feared standing there and freezing and unable to testify properly. however, during the worship session before the sharing, God spoke to me and told me that the journey we walked together was enough. What he did in me was as impactful as it is and told me not to fear and to just recount the whole story out. So that day, as i stood in front of the people at the center and team to publicly share my story for the first time, no doubt i was a little nervous but i thank god that i was able to share with them the journey i walked with god through the tough season in my life. and how he was there for me. I thank god for the strength and the courage he gave me for to share my story.

Final Words:

Indeed God’s presence was strong amongst us and with us through our journey in Sri Lanka. And what i’ve shared here is still rather an incomplete picture of what i’ve seen and felt in my time there. There are still many images and experiences in my mind which would probably require a much longer time before i am able to express it in completely in words. Things like the passion i felt when i prayed for others and how God’s presence really felt were things that are both amazing and indescribable to me. Pastor Roshan was right, that we will enter and leave Sri Lanka a different person.

I just would like to thank God so much for his hand in arranging this trip, to open my eyes and my heart to see and feel how he would feel. To also see how he can move through us, to really see Pastor Dishan’s point that there really isn’t any superstars in the kingdom of God. The various testimonies shared by everyone on how God met them and changed their lives was also a powerful testament of his love in our lives. It humbles me to see how blessed we truly are back at home. Blessed in so many ways and yet we lack the simple faith to seek after God, the hunger to long and yearn after him.

indeed the phrase ” to whom much has been given, much is required.” comes to mind. on how truly blessed I am here at home and yet I lack so much more spiritually, and yet I tend to stick within my comfort zones. it has encouraged me to start stepping out more. that indeed its all that simple. just that little child like faith to put my hands out to seek and hunger for God and he will be found.

That ALL men may see the truth and know, HE is the WAY to heaven

Lord I just thank you for my two brothers who are progressing well. I pray that they will grow closer and love you more and thank you lord for answering my prayers