I hate it when i have trouble sleeping. I hate it when it’s because i was emotionally and mentally tormented.
One long weekend just came and vapourized like that. And more coming up in dec(please keep me on my current work schedule) then come long weekends, come 2010, come 8th feb, come 16year old self on a pink card again. 
happy memories of red, blue and gold.
just yesterday. i was walking in to alexandra hospital to collect some stuff for camp purposes. and i was kinda bored of the playlist i was listening to. wanted to select some other playlist with old songs that i missed. and i accidentally clicked into the playlist containing all the concert recordings of AC band that i had.
first thought was #*%$rr4#3$3 i didn’t feel like i was in a mood for band music at that time. boy was i wrong. the first song that came up was carmina burena – Victoria concert hall, MUSE, a night to remember 2006, opening piece. and it just brought a smile to my face and goosebumps as well. just hearing the fine chords that echoed through my ear piece and the memories of actually hearing the “organ sound” for the first time on that stage.
i was smiling to myself as i recalled those sweet memories.
then it was hunchback of notredame. i played timpani for that and i remembered struggling with that and wanting to bail out of playing the timpani part for that song cause i was a chicken. yes indeed. i was a chicken, i had zero confidence on that piece and especially with my technic. and i remembered going up to crystal after going through the pieces during combined the first few times. asking her to let me chicken out and switch parts. she said no. (thank god) cause that piece really helped in the confidence department on stage. haha. but what i remembered and what the piece invoked in the depths of my mind were the images of practicing that piece in LT4. and watching Dr lee conduct. and when we went into “god save the outcast” on that piece, i remembered looking around LT4 and seeing how all my seniors were so immersed into the music making and moving along with it in synch with dr lee and went WOW. i remembered looking at the eupho section(they were right in front of the timpani in LT4) and seeing them move and play so well with the music. it was really an experience that i didn’t know i cherished so much. i remembered on concert day, on stage when dr lee conducted that part of the piece, that i though getting nervous over the harder parts of the piece i had to tackle later in the piece. took a brief moment to look at everyone else on stage. in navy blue blazers and cream pants. some of them so immersed in the piece that the whole band felt like one. the emotions played out and portrayed were so evident that i felt kinda emotional(in a good way) even when i listened to the recording. it was no wonder why dr lee teared on stage that night. by the way, i think i kinda screwed up a bit at the solo(as in lagged a little hurrr hurr?)
the next two tracks were a movement for rosa and turandot. the two pieces the whole band worked their asses off and pulled of so well on stage in sydney(the competition). the triumphant feeling of screaming, ” COMMAND BAND!” ” WE OWN” at the the chinese restraunt when miss sng got the phone call from the organisers.
maybe i’m not making coherent sense about the whole thing here. given that i’m not really a gifted writer, plus with added effect of brain decay due to national service. i hope if any of you ac band alumni reads this, that you guys will in certain dark periods of your life think back to the good times spent with your friends and family members on stage. in a blue blazer and cream pants/skirt under the baton of dr lee and the music we made together. i just had to write this out today. cause i wanna be able to read this in a few years and should i be down at that point in time, i hope that this post would remind myself of the good times i had lived in in the past and the friends forged there and then. in the hope that it will just cheer me up a little and give that little boost to move on. i really miss those good times in LT4, viewing gallery, sydney, victoria concert hall, esplanade, sydney opera house, singapore conference hall.
in short, i really miss my days in AC Band.
when i’m alone on a park bench. walking a lonely journey home.
i close my eyes and pray. and i realise,
i’m certainly not alone. thank you lord for always being here for me:)
eviction notice.
you have been throwing crap at me. tossing lies at me. you’ve been so loud in my head, tossing the lies one at a time in the air. trying to drown out the truth that is speaking to me within. the voice of truth that comforts and strengthens. the voice of truth that enlightens. you’ve been pushing me back. inch by inch and now i’m trapped in a corner. barely mustering the strength to lift the shield up to fend off the attacks. at times, i miss the chance to lift up the shield and i end up overwhelmed, tormented by your lies and horrors. but today, i learnt that you fear me. you fear all those reclaimed by the blood of the lamb. today, i take the red pill, i go down the rabbit hole and my eyes are open to the truth. today as i try to block you and your horde’s attacks off, i fumble and feel the sheath of my sword. the lamb has opened my eyes and shown it to me. its been here all along and i didn’t realise its existence cause i was engrossed in your lies. engrossed till i believed. engrossed till i suckered. engrossed in deception. you pushed me into the corner. a deep dark corner whereby i seem to be at my wits end. you have been trying and at times successfully made me cynical and negative about friendship, faith and practically everything around me. but today, this declaration of truth sheds light to all your lies. today, the father, son and holy spirit gave me my sword. gave me my strength. i now pick it up. use this corner you’ve driven me into, to bolster myself up. with the booster from the blood of the lamb, the blood that was a shed for me, i pick myself up. draw my sword. and with all the fury and strength i muster, i swing, i slash. you’ve been served with my eviction notice. get out of my body. get out of my mind. your time is up. i have enough of your lies. i have seen the truth. and i will now certainly join your enemies and trample over you. i have been reclaimed by the blood of the lamb. you don’t own me. you cant have me. i belong to but one master. your lies of my weakness of my worthlessness will hold no power over me anymore. i will now fight and fight hard. with my eyes and ears clear of the truth set before me. to see the army and the almighty king next to me fighting with me. you will never hold me down. i will not be victorious over the battle. i will conquer this war. i will conquer this race and i will win. it will be tiring, it will seem hopeless. but by the grace of god and the promises he has, i will rise up, be bold and be strengthen to crush you and kick your sorry gloomy ass out of my body and back to the abyss where you come from. because i am a child of god. i am wanted, i am precious in his eyes. i am loved. i am beautifully and wonerfully made. you will not have control over me. only the one who has sacrificed and redeemed me will.
and when things are all clear, its frightening how self centred i can sink to. and its not like i dont want to get out of it
its sickening with the swings and the lack of proper sleep. im so tired of everything.
i know this place has been the place for me to throw out alot of my inner feelings that have been brewing. but i really have no choice. i need an outlet and etc. so sorry.
if you guys don’t care then screw this. i might as well just dematerialise and hide away.
its like my thoughts and opinions are sucked up a vaccum and it all seems so useless and meaningless. but i know those are lies. at the end of this vaccum is an understanding ear that listens to all of this crap. so help me out of feeling this way.
