its a saturday, im stuck in camp but fortunately schedule aint too bad today, andi crave for guitar hero. argh

something that i should have gone for a long long time ago.

today, was D day. the day where i guess in the eyes of many, an attempt to keng. but however. i realised that this day should have been done much earlier. should’ve been done last year, as a recruit instead of thinking of saving money. i should just spammed and got myself out of this whole year of predicament. but nothing is left to chance so i suppose god allowed this to happen. well in short. i went back to the specialist that initially flashed the alert lights that i had torn a ligament. i brought out the memos i’ve got from nuh therapy, from camp mo, and the scans i’ve done in nuh itself.

“oh, from the scan itself i can’t really tell whether you’ve got an acl tear or not. ” – certain orthopedic at nuh.

” you don’t need surgery. therapy will be sufficient.” – a certain CONSULTANT in nuh.

so what the doc told me at gleneagles was really different. he pointed out from the physical stability test that my right knee clearly showed a ligament tear, that though the scan can be interpreted as a partial tear, my knee actually looks like a complete tear has occurred. he was patient and listen and really tried to fix my issue. best of all is, he seems to emphatize with all the bullshit i recieved under nuh. and further more, he said this instability requres surgery, something that retarded consultant did not want to reccommend at all. oh my gosh. i was so angry when i heard everything. angry with those retards at that hospital. i couldn’t stand all the bullshit that i’ve been going through. the tendonitis and all was all due to the ACL tear right from the start and freaking nuh did absolutely nothing to try to discover it. they simply just dismissed it all and rushed me in and out of the consultation room. i made a quiet resolution to myself on the way home after visiting the clinic. if i ever become a doctor in the future, i’ll never work for that retarded place.

my mom then dragged me to see her boss and my former childcare principal after the doctor’s visit. but she spoke into me some nuggets of truth and i really appreciate it. i’m still too tired to fully absorb it all but i really appreciated it.

 

i’m just hoping that on monday, when the fellas up there hear about the surgery, they might just give it all up and just bounce me somewhere where i can be a human being again.

frustrated

so many things havent been going well with me. this screw up that screw up. heck, even my dismount on weekends, my day off on weekends, one weekend day a week seems like bull shit. i didn’t really enjoy myself on saturday. particularly at night. and i booked in on sunday feeling like shit. booked out today feeling like shit. can’t think logically, lose sleep, headaches and all that crap. i’m barely hanging on. hanging on only by crying out almost constantly to god in my mind. for friday to come. for friday to work out. for things to prayerfully go my way. i really really need help.

 

and i absolutely can’t take it when people try to ask me how i am in there. and i explain the situation and they shrug all that bullshit i’m going through as nothing much. telling me to suck it up or just to shoot me looks and not even trying to bother  how shitty this fiasco has been for me. i really truely have a taste how a friend of mine felt when he was stuck in guards. the mental battle each day. i really feel you now that i am going through all this shit. and i can’t believe how shitty life can get. i ‘ve got so many complaints and angst stuck inside of me.

 

even now. so much crap pent up inside of me. violent thoughts like smashing glasses, taking a baseball bat and just ramming it repeatedly in my mind follows. screw this shit. even my mp3 doesnt want to co operate with me by connecting to the computer. ARGH. nothing seems to be going well for shit. lets just hope friday doesn’t screw up. if this fails, sigh. i don’t know what action next.

the reason for the silence

well, that’s because this was post 200. and i had intended to make it pensive about life so far in ns. but screw that my life’s been quite depressingly sad and so i won’t be saying much good things eh. another reason is that i havent been going home after booking out but staying at my aunt’s place due to all that h1n1 quarrantine nonsense that has been implemented. yes, and my parents came back from overseas. so my office gave me the option of staying in this hell hole of a depressing place or to book out and go somewhere else other than home. the obvious choice, my aunt’s place.

its quite depressing when you look at the place, the surroundings, and the feeling of claustrophobia comes in. the feeling of being enclosed, your every move watched. the hardest part is that you’ve got nothing to look forward to. this stupid freaking ass of a cycle is self sustaining and repeats its stupid self till i ord. with little rest in between, little MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL rest in between. very little communication with the outside world cause its only going to be so much harder to meet up with people. the difficulty in going church cause i’ll only be going twice a week due to all this shift work nonsense. honestly. i’ve been on the verge of losing in a few times. the frustration and anger whelling up in me when i’m doing duty and i’m frustrated with all this bullshit. having the urge to just thrash up everything around me, smashing the glases, slaming the metal poles. destructive thoughts. thoughts of just running out of camp, running away from this bloody depressing place. just running out. and realising that is the limit of ultimate foolishness. and jsut being frustrated. even at times to tears. i just pray for a reprieve, that i don’t want to see this place at all. this sad ass retarded stupid place. so to any nsfs reading this post, please wake up your stupid ideas, don’t screw up and end up here. its a BAD idea. i’m not in this place, just working in it and i’m already so frustrated and depressed already.

no shit sherlock

when they said this mount, dismount, standby, external thing is gonna be so fast, they weren’t kidding. time just flew past me today. and before i knew it, it was night fall. so based on the cycle, i was able to calculate some stuff out. turns out, thankfully for me, i’ll be dismounting on my birthday. at least that doesn’t suck for me! ha. time warp me till ord please. oh yes, i’ll be having random off or dismount days. so if any of you guys and gals are reading this, feel free to ask me out then! and yes, can’t wait for the the nov ord batch to ord. cause that’ll mean i’ll be able to hang out with them on my dismount or external days.

im blind.

don’t worry, time passes so fast here they say.

and so, along with the time warp comes the death of my social life, cause i’ll only be able to get one weekend each time and my weekday dismounts and half days will be alone cause everyone else will be so frigging busy.

at the end of day one, just by doing understudying, i jsut can’t see myself in here. burning christmas, weekends, sundays. ARGH. unless the medical reason pulls me out. of which right now, i have absolutely no frigging idea what i’ll be doing in there too cause three different levels of management tell me three frigging different things.

gosh i just want my weekends, sundays and social life please. i dun wanna warp till ord and come out losing touch with my friends. i really can’t see myself in

 

 Sierra Alpha Foxtrot Delta Bravo

 

nope, not at all.

i had fun with the section and had a great time seeing old faces again. hope to see you guys soon again

cast in stone

so it was official yesterday. at around 1715, it was announced :

“blah blah will be posted to …. “

you get what i mean don’t you. it’s just sad to leave. as in to put it in a way, leaving will be bittersweet. though i’m guessing bittersweetness is 50 bitter, 50 sweet, in my case i guess its 80 bitter 20 sweet. well, though sometimes the life where i was was unbearable, i really really do like dogs. and going to dog wing was a place whereby i get to interact with dogs everyday. so it’s like having my own pet.just that having certain people around complicate the situation. but ultimately its sad to leave cause i’ve grown rather accustomed to the life here, i get my weekends too. so yes, it is sad. went through a whole emotional thing, couldn’t bear to leave my dear AE behind. haha. that fella’s been a good companion i tell you. and it was actually a good farwell from me to him yesterday cause very few people were around, certain people were on leave. so i had the freedom( in fact many people ) to do pretty much anything we wanted after finishing the normal stuff that we had to do each day. so i guess, i spent most of the time hanging out with AE. playing with that fella. and i guess from the look in his eyes and all, he really had a hell of a time. i just wonder whether he realises that i’ll be leaving. apart from that, there are a few good friends that have been there to chat around with and hang out with in the unit that well, make it a little hard to leave. i didn’t like the idea of going somewhere so gloomy to kill the remaining time till 2010.they were there for me and to share some joys and pains. and i’m touched by the gestures that some people put in, big or small when lam announced my departure from next monday onwards. from the small encouragements of “take it easy, wong is very nice to his men.” to ” it’s ok, at least you’ll get to experience something new.” and “well, the change of environment is good.” i’m really touched. especially the unexpected gestures from people whom i didn’t really consider myself very close to who keep trying to cheer me up or try to help me find a loop hole out of this. i really appreciate all the effort guys. i’ll remember your words when i step pass those gates on monday. whoa, i sound like i’m going there to serve a sentence when i’m actually just going there to work. ha!

 

the final thing that really made me feel real touched and assured was the chat with my wing commander whilst he was on his way out of the unit to run an errand. i’m just touched that he tried to keep me where i was or trying to post me somewhere better than where i’m heading. but i guess, god’s hand was to go to that dreaded place by making that place the only place with an opening. and i guess even though i dread it, upon learning that fact, i know a place has been prepared for me there. and during my so called official posting out interview, when i read what was written in my blue booklet, i was quite touched by the affirmation written in there. thank you lord for that. and also by the words that my wing commander said to me

” the gates here are always open for you to visit the dogs, and if you have any problems at all, you may come back here and look for me.”

the golden handshake,

and finally a phonecall over to the CSM on the other side in a bid to help me pull some strings?

well, i’m touched by all of those gestures put forth, and i tell you this wing commander of mine will be one of the really few army regulars i’ve met that really earned my respect. thank you sir.

 

so no more AE, sigh and a new beginning. i’m just grateful that the lord gave me such a pleasant last day and hopefully a pleasant 7 more months plus to go.

though nothing’s been heard on the RO yet, i guess when i ask my superior for the outcome and the instructions tomorrow, if its the news that i don’t wanna hear, i still WONT be mentally prepared for it.

 

i resist change, so that’s gonna suck in itself

its not like i’m leaving for better prospects( like ord for example.)

and the few good friends that i have there will be dearly missed.

and especially the brown, four legged loyal friend of mine. though i was never allowed to have one since i was younger, he has shown me a glimpse of how it would’ve been like. and how it will feel to actually lose a companion like that. i just hope the person taking over him from me will treat him well.

 

a summary of the thoughts and emotion i’ve been going through.

 

i have never dreaded a weekend this badly in my ns life before.

just a short update on things. well, the weekend was quite bad emotionally and monday brought confirmation of the bad news. well, i don’t think there is much i can do to actually change it and looks like god is saying that he has hs reasons for sending me there. so i guess this is the last week in dog wing, i’ll miss the company of certain friends, and most importantly, certain four legged companions.

so yes, i’ve been a little down these few days for this reason and i’ve got to be thankful for the following.

1. to the cell group for keeping me in prayer regarding my next posting.

2. to my friends who became aware about my predicament and the encouragement received.

3. for the time spent with the current perc section, the alumnis and the good time spent catching up with some of them over dinner today.

 

all of which really played a major role in cheering me up. long day ahead tomorrow with combat shoot at safti and hopefully i’ll be 200 dollars richer at the end of it. and the long week ahead preparing for the huge change next week and the concert over the weekend. it’ll be AC’s last “muse a night to remember.”  So any alumni who hasn’t bought tickets for it and are reading this entry please come down and support eh!